


Back To The Normal I Knew Before You

by OnyourRadar



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst., Breakup, Character Study, Eating Disorder, Eliott POV, He avoids things, I fixed things, Lucas being the Lucas that I love to write, Lucas does hurt himself, M/M, More angst, Sorry if I didn't satisfy your craving, Sort Of, They get back together, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, ambiguous ending, heartbreaks, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-08 05:33:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21470860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyourRadar/pseuds/OnyourRadar
Summary: His normal now is dry bristles. A toothbrush sat on his bathroom sink unused. The ones that light up like a light saber and make sounds when one brushes. His own boring, green handled, generic brush sits next to it. Lonely.--or--Eliott breaks up with Lucas. Nothing is explained and Lucas is scared of asking at this point. So he tries to fall back in to a routine.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 53
Kudos: 303





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if you don't like angst. I'm not nice to the boys in this and there's more questions than there are answers. **Trigger Warning**: There is an eating disordered that is not named but our character is afflicted by in this fic. And Lucas takes a really hot shower. Yes this is considered self-harm. Please take the warning seriously, especially if you are easily triggered.

The day Eliott breaks up with Lucas somewhere on a park bench—possibly where they first met five years prior—Lucas is able to remember the laughter of children echoing and riding the air all around the both of them. He recalls, rather clearly, Eliott sitting with his legs extended, heels of his boots resting, relaxed, against the pavement while his toes points toward the heavens. 

Large hands with fingers curled hidden in the pocket of his leather jacket. Warm. They were always warm and Lucas knows this for a fact. He thought, in that moment, what a shame it was he would never feel that same warmth on his skin when they were done. Had Eliott taken even a second to direct his gaze, allowed his grey eyes to roam the angles of Lucas’ face instead of staring straight ahead, Lucas thinks maybe he would have seen the misery that blanketed him at the thought. 

When Eliott spoke those words so calm, calloused, and sure Lucas remembers being struck that Eliott planned it all out. The words were rehearsed so often that it became real. Real enough for the man he thought to be his other half, to believe so resolutely. Who was Lucas to convince him otherwise? How could Lucas tell him he was wrong when all Lucas could offer him was his love, heart, his soul, and time. He can’t change Eliott’s feelings and thoughts. That would have to fall on Eliott to do for himself. 

The day Eliott breaks up with Lucas, he doesn’t stop Eliott from walking away, offers him a small smile and tells him with a soft voice that still held a composure that he didn’t quite feel, 

“Okay. Promise we won’t be strangers?” He takes the smallest hint of a smile that graces the taller man’s face as acceptance enough. 

When Eliott is gone, disappeared from his peripheral, Lucas stands, stretches and stops by the closest cafe, one he frequented quite often and buys himself a sandwich. He eats half before he loses his appetite.

When his phone dings that day and Lucas answers Yann’s text about an invitation to a house party that night, Lucas accepts. He shows up by himself and is greeted with cheers and pats on the back. A familiar situation that he had distanced himself from when he had gotten together with Eliott four years ago. 

Lucas misses his quiet nights in. The both of them enjoying the company of each other more than the loud and messy evenings consuming alcohol with friends and strangers alike. Lucas thinks he’ll get used to going out again. 

He doesn’t tell anyone that he was newly single. That the four years he spent with Eliott by his side has shifted. Has ended. It was done with a couple of words and compliant nods and slightly lingering gazes. 

That night Lucas takes a couple of shots, jokes around with his friends. Laughs and dances with his girls. He leaves early and when his boys jest about him leaving to go home to a warm bed, Lucas grins at them but does nothing to correct how wrong they are. 

Instead, Lucas goes and walks home. Breathes in the crisp night air without_ feeling_ the comfort but more feeling the _burn_. He goes home to an empty apartment and sits on his couch leaving the laughter of the night behind him and the minutes slip into hours. He stares at nothing and everything as his thoughts remain suspended. Not working since his talk in the park. When the early hours of the morning hit his cheeks, sun peeking through and coloring his blue eyes a beautiful shade of sadness, Lucas lays down in bed and gets re-familiarized with the feeling of having to fall asleep on his own. 

He keeps the lights on.

He wonders how long it will take for his old pattern to resurface. 

He wakes early but doesn’t feel tired. Lucas goes through the motions. Prepares for work and finds that a smile comes easy to his lips when he wills it. He carries out orders and carries himself like everything was alright even when everything felt wrong. After the lunch rush hits and Lucas is done feeling overwhelmed with horrible customers, he takes a moment for himself. 

Finds an overturned crate in the back staff room and allows his feet to experience a moment of calm. He is once again struck with the thought of what he was supposed to do now. He nibbles at his lips, brings his thumb towards his mouth and sucks at the tip of it as he questions what to do to fill his time. He had four years spent texting disheveled selfies to Eliott on his breaks, smiling and giddy when the other would show up randomly at his work place just to give him a surprise visit. 

He supposed this is another thing he would need to adjust too. So he does. He plays some games on his phone, tells that nice Sarah girl ‘no thank you’ when she asks if he wanted to eat his lunch before the end of his break. Lucas doodles on loose napkins, goes to the bathroom, steps out for a breath of fresh air and asks his manager if he could end his break early and take the next table. 

When he says ‘yeah sure’ Lucas jumps back in eagerly and starts back up again, trying his best to stop thinking, doing his best at distracting himself. He succeeds well into his double shift. 

See, it takes a month before his friends realize there was no more Lucas and Eliott. No more Eliott and Lucas. It’s a question aimed at him with no malicious intent and all curiosity. Basille looks at him expectantly, asked the question loud enough so everyone in the room turns to look, gives Lucas that side glance to not appear nosy. 

“Hey man, where’s Eliott been? We keep seeing the both of you but like...it’s weird cuz you’re never together when we do.” 

Lucas shrugs and sips at his drink. “That’s because we aren’t together anymore.”

There's a shocked silence that stimulates the air and Lucas smiles through it all. He doesn't know how to break the news easy. Because how do you reveal that a constant of four years has been ripped away like a rug beneath their feet. That Lucas feels like he's tripping but he's trying so hard to hide it. 

"Dude, are you serious?" 

Lucas nods to Yann. Confirms nonverbally, because he has already voiced it and made it real just to answer Bas and that's more than enough for one night. 

He shrugs and brushes off the concerns, brushes off all the _'why the hell didn't you guys say anything'_. He doesn't know how to answer Manon's quiet, _'what happened'_, so he says nothing. Lucas just bits at his top lip, draws it in between his pearly white teeth and looks at the carpet for the answers. 

Because he still doesn't know what happened and he is far too scared to reach out and ask. He'd rather live his days shrouded by confusion and left with unknown answers. 

"Oh shit, Lulu. Was it a mutual thing?" 

Lucas wants to laugh in the face of Daphne because there was no way that was a serious question. Mutual requires the two of them being on the same page. And Lucas feels he has been left in the dust. That he is at the introduction of their relationship still and Eliott has reached their conclusion. Mutual means Lucas understands and truth be told, he doesn't. He simply agrees so he doesn't cause trouble or hurt. He agrees so that there might be a chance that they could fix things. 

He hides his hope. 

One month after his friends find out and two months into living that single life, Manon and Imane furrow their brows and frown at the lips. Imane brushes his hair out of his face and offers a cookie she holds between her fingers. Lucas smiles away the offer. 

"You been eating?"

Funny how for four years Lucas denied all the concoctions Eliott cooked up for him, all the chemistry, all the experiments that occurred in the kitchen. 

All he wants is to eat something Eliott cooks. He nods his head and lies through his teeth. Tells his girls that yes he is eating. 

They hound him. Ask him to come to dinner, come to lunch, have brunch on Sundays, and suddenly Lucas is hiding from them. 

He takes on a second job. Works at an upscale restaurant. One where his late night hours are spent servicing people who are, dare he say, more cultured than he is. 

He has reason to turn down the worried invitations of his friends. Has reason to not hear about how he's lost weight or how tired he looks. 

Because Lucas doesn't need to hear about how he is faring since the day Eliott broke up with him. He is living it and by god he is surviving by finding his sense of normalcy again. And if normalcy was keeping busy then he is succeeding. Because Lucas can't remember what normal was _before _Eliott so he sets a new normal for _after_ Eliott. The two stages that his life has now been separated into. 

_Before_ and _after_. 

His normal now is dry bristles. A toothbrush sat on his bathroom sink unused. The ones that light up like a light saber and make sounds when one brushes. His own boring, green handled, generic brush sits next to it. Lonely. 

His new normal was an empty fridge but stocked cabinets. Cabinets filled with at least four boxes of the same sugary cereal Eliott was so fond of. He kept forgetting — standing there in the aisles of the grocery store, far too late at night — he didn't eat that brand and there was no one to come to his apartment to eat it for him. Yet somehow, every couple of weeks he still went through the motions of buying a box. 

Just in case.

Normal was the same DVD playing on repeat. On silent, Eliott's favorite romance movie reserved for special occasions. 

It plays every night because there were no more of those. Nothing special about his days anymore. 

Lucas thinks things are working out. If the first thing out of Arthur's mouth, when he lays eyes on Lucas in his work uniform—A white button down, black slacks and an apron the accentuates his tiny waist—is a broken_ 'Lucas'_, he ignores it. 

Lucas falls into an easy routine of working and working and working. On his days off he catches up on the sleep that he loses on most days. 

He likes keeping busy. 

By the fourth month, Lucas thinks he has everything figured out down to a science. He ignores how his vision swims. He ignores how he still keeps Eliott's coffee mug by the sink untouched and collecting dust. Lucas ignores that, although he sleeps alone—when sleep visits—he warms the right side of the bed because the left side is meant for someone else. Even though the imprint and the smell of the other had long dissipated. 

He has it all figured out. And then he doesn't. 

By the fourth month he wishes he never got that second job. Because he is unprepared as he approaches a table in his section, smile on his lips, bottle of distilled water held in his hands. His thin fingers wrapping around the long neck of the bottle.

He falters for a second. A full second where all the quiet noise around him dissolves into a mess of silence. He regains his footing and his smile is back on like it never left. He focuses his blue gaze on the center of the table, the beautiful decor of a lit tealight candle and a small glass vase holding an arrangement of flowers of all different colors. The same set up on all tables. The only difference are the people sitting there. 

Lucas remembers perfectly, what it's like to breathe with Eliott by his side. He doesn't know how to do it now, not with the other sitting at the table sitting across from another person that wasn't Lucas. 

When Lucas brings himself to look up at the other, to see the widened steel blue gaze roaming his face, he labels the look as one of surprise. He's not sure if it is happiness that flutters in the pit of his stomach at the thought that, after all this time, he is still capable of causing surprise to color Eliott's face. No, not happiness. Nausea. 

"L-Lucas?" 

Lucas wonders what he sees. Does he see the bags that Lucas uses cover up to erase. Or is it the fact that Lucas' hair has grown significantly in the four months since they've laid eyes on each other. Still with a personality of its own.

Is it the hollows of his cheek or the fact that his smile is soft and small, not quite reaching the levels it used to. 

"Oh, do you two know each other?" 

Lucas hears the gentle voice and thinks, yes, that was a voice someone could fall in love with. It held an easy lilt, an undercurrent of positivity and gentleness that fit perfectly with the baby blue eyes so similar to his own. Did they know each other? Lucas thought they did. But he's been wrong before. He was wrong now, he wonders if he had been wrong for the past four years. 

"Yes," he finds that his laughter comes easy. "An old friend, Eliott. How are you?"

Friend. 

It echoes in his thought. The word scratches it's way up his throat and he thinks, he only has himself to blame. 

"I've been well. You?"

Lucas simply nods at him, accepting the answer but does not provide his own. 

"Special occasion, I take it?" He aims the question at the dirty blonde who beams at Lucas unsuspecting of the turmoil that fosters beneath his skin. 

With all the childish wonder and excitement a hand shoots out and grasps at Eliott's that rested on the table cloth. 

Lucas looked back at the flickering candle as their fingers twined together. 

Perhaps his mind played tricks, but the way their fingers interlocked looked like it was made to be this way. Maybe.

Maybe he paints a pretty picture so he can convince himself that Eliott walked away from him for something that is close to perfection. Something that he couldn't offer.

"Yes, we're going on three months now and I thought it would be nice to have something to celebrate."

Three months. Lucas doesn't need to be great at math to realize the implications of three months. 

One month to get over a four year relationship. Four weeks to find someone new.

Ninety days to make new memories. 

One five minute conversation to end it all. 

He doesn't let the weariness show. Doesn't let Eliott see how he's counted the minutes of their separation. Wants Eliott to see how Lucas has moved on to, though he hasn't.

"Sounds like something to celebrate for sure." So he rambles the special for the night. A special 35 day dry aged porterhouse for two, grilled perfection. Accented with a side of blanched asparagus and seasoned with the finest black truffle oil. 

"Oh that sounds, good. We should split that dish." 

"You shouldn't." Lucas hesitates for a moment only when he is greeted with a look of shock. 

He quickly fixes his mistake. 

"The dish is absolutely perfect but I would avoid sharing," he stutters and for the second time that night he wishes he could just quit. "There's mushroom in the dish."

Eliott is allergic. He'll let Eliott explain that for his new lover. Lucas waits patiently and takes their order before walking away, back feeling stiff. 

When their appetizers are ready he runs it to their table, still steaming, he carries a bottle of their house red. 

Pours two glasses and tells them, _"on the house"_. He doesn't ever meet their eyes and doesn't stay long enough to make light conversation. He does his job and asks them how their meal was. Was it perfect? Everything they wanted? He waits to hear their satisfaction and ignores how each time he approaches their table it looks like Eliott wants to say something. Wants to reach out and grab at his frail wrist. He thanks whichever god out there that Eliott has enough sense not to do something so stupid as to toy with Lucas' emotion. 

He thanks them. Runs their card and waves to them on their way out. Overhears how _"it would be nice if we came here once a month. Don't you think, Eliott?" _

He hopes they don't. When he sees the amazing tip left for him, Lucas finds his way to the bathroom and hides in the stall, resting his forehead on cool metal. He breathes deep and feels cheap shame wash over him. 

Lucas asks the manager on staff if he could take home the unfinished wine. She looks at him with lips pursed and something about the way he holds himself makes pity jump out of her skin and she nods yes. 

"But don't let it be a habit." 

Lucas drinks himself stupid and doesn't sleep. 

His leaves the lights on all night. Walks into work feeling worn down. Like he was made of nothing. He feels flimsy. Serves coffee to the brunch crowd, there in a regular all day diner wearing ripped jeans and an old band t-shirt. When the day winds down he heads home to prepare for the upscale crowd. 

He's not surprised to see Arthur and Yann waiting for him at his apartment. 

"Heyyy" 

He first bumps Yann and smiles a greeting at Arthur. 

"What's up?" Lucas's lips pop around the word. While he moves around the apartment getting ready. He doesn't miss the side glances the boys share but refuses to acknowledge it. 

"You down to hang tonight?" 

Lucas nods his head. 

"Sure, I get cut early tonight so I'll be at your place by 8:30 or 9 the latest. Sound good?" 

Yann nods. 

"You've lost more weight." Arthur doesn't beat around the bush. It's a statement not a question. 

"Arthur." Yann states, voice low. Like now was not the time. But Lucas knows, there was never a good time. 

"Your fucking wasting away." Arthur spits out in anger and Lucas feels frozen in the face of it. "And I hope you know you're doing this because of a fucking _boy_." 

Lucas freezes because he sounds so vicious. So angry and sharp and it's a distinct contrast to the dullness that has settled into his life. 

"Arthur!" Yann spits his name like a warning and Lucas feels bad for causing the tension. But he doesn't know how to tell them sorry. Lucas forgets how to reassure his friends that things will be okay. 

Because Arthur is right. Eliott is a boy. He's just a boy. A boy who made him smile. Made him happy. Made him sad. Made him angry. A boy that had so much hold on him. Eliott was just Eliott and somehow, the last four years has taught Lucas that he lost control of his life when he handed it over to this _boy_. When he said yes to just a boy who pinned him down on a park bench, kissed his laughter away and asked him to be his lover, to be his partner. His everything. 

He lets them leave with an apology in his eyes. He promises them, to himself, to no one. He'll pull himself out of this hole he dug, as soon as he forgets this boy. He promises this. He doesn't let Arthur's words bother him because one person to control his thoughts and actions and feelings is enough. He won't let two. When he collapses at work, he texts Yann that he can't make it to hang as an IV drips fluid into his exhausted body. 

He takes three days off, curled up on a hospital bed by himself. His blood sugar had dropped dangerously low. He nibbled on crackers and peanut butter. Because he didn't have a disorder. 

Unless a broken heart was one. He just didn't have an appetite. And he let it go too far. He let it get to him and control and dictate how he was to live out his days. In his thoughts, to himself. Lucas settles the problem.Lucas whispers in the sterile air of a hospital room, tells himself he needs to get better. He can piece his heart back together. If Eliott can do it in a month. Lucas can do it now. He’s had four months to wallow. It was time to heal. 

He doesn’t want to admit his words sound hollow, even to his own ears. But he’s not at a point where he wants to ask for help. So the first thing Lucas does when he gets home is take down a box of cereal, the one with the Leprechaun and marshmallows. Pours a bowl and eats it dry because there is no milk in his fridge. \ 

Swallows around it and blanches at the sugary coating that masks the taste of cardboard. Lucas looks down at the bowl of rainbows and clovers, all off colored and warped, and eats the whole thing. Pours a second bowl. And a third. Until the box is empty. When the last piece falls into his bowl with a clink that resounds in his empty apartment, Lucas runs to the bathroom and hurls up everything he ate. He heaves and his shoulders shake and his eyes grow red. 

Anger paints him ugly so he splashes water on his face and looks at himself from all angles in the mirror. From his jutting collar bone, his hallowed cheeks, to his bruised eye lids, and papery skin. He sees his ribs and his wrist bone is too pronounced. 

No wonder Elliot didn’t want him. He made a beautiful picture of pity. Who could ever want him. He hops in the shower and turns the water to a burning hot and lets the steam clear his thoughts. When he is ready, his skin is a deep red and he is slightly satisfied that there is color back on him. 

He looks at the time and dresses for his second job. Puts on his button down, pulls up his black dress pants. Lucas realizes he dropped a size so he needs to get new pants soon. 

When gets to work he finds that falls back into that after Eliott routine again. He forgets that he promised he would get better. He eats just enough so he doesn’t fall sick. Eats enough to show Arthur that,_ he is okay_ and_ he will be okay_. Just a little broken. Not the same. 

It appeases his friends that he shows up to the occasional group dinners. Especially when he finishes at least half of his meal and attempts to steal off their plates. Lucas knows how to show that he is recovering just enough to make others happy. 

But then he sees Eliott again. The second time they show up a month later, Lucas has his hair styled back and out of his face. He knows he looks no better than before. This second time, is a little different. When Eliott’s lover heads to the bathroom —just at the right time for Eliott and at the wrong time for Lucas, who was just preparing to place the plates of food down in front of them— Eliott takes his chance. 

Strong fingers wrap at his wrist and it is a searing heat that Lucas neve thought he’d feel again. He pulls away weakly but the grip remains. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yes.” He lies, and he knows Eliott can read through him. “Yes. Please let go.” 

Eliott doesn’t. If anything he pulls Lucas a little closer and Lucas stumbles closer to the edge of the table. He doesn’t understand why Eliott is so concerned. 

He was the one that walked away and gave back his rightful place to be concerned for Lucas’ health. He lost that right. Lucas wants so badly to give it back to him but Lucas is stronger than that he thinks. 

The fingers loosen, tighten, and then loosen again before his eyebrows drop in concentration. 

“Lucas, you’ve lost a lot of weight.” Lucas pulls back harshly and rubs his wrist with his hands, trying his best to get the phantom feel of those fingers to disappear. He turns around stalks to his manager takes off his apron and quits. 

He can’t do it. He can’t. He goes home and throws out all the cereal boxes, stands and stares harshly at the mug that sits so innocently by the sink. He wants so badly to toss it at the wall but something stops him. He goes to the bathroom to throw out the brush that was no longer his and no longer anyone's really. But fails to get farther than gripping it between his fingers then gently placing it down. 

Lucas yells at nothing and everything. He reaches for a bottle of vodka and starts drinking. Drinking, drinking until the pain in his chest becomes a dull ache. Drinks until his eyes...eyes that have been dry for the past five months, feels a little moist. He downs the vodka until he is too far gone and bad decisions become his friend. He throws on his shoes, a sweater and a scarf and stumbles down the streets with the bottle close by. 

He finds himself in _that_ empty park, sitting on _that_ bench looking out at the moon and stars. Moon and stars that have become his companion at 10:30 at night Companions that he wished had the answers to the problems he had in this world. In this universe. In this life that until recently, he thought was pretty fucking great all things considered. He doesn’t think this anymore. 

Lucas continues to cradle the bottle to his chest, nestled between bent knees. First his nose feels wet and his eyes burn and Lucas doesn’t know how to handle the coldness of wet tracks on his cheeks. 

Lucas wonders why tonight is the night his resolve decides to break. He swallows thickly and asks no one, “When did he stop loving me?” 

He’s scared of the answer. He’s scared of knowing. And when the wind rustles his hair and carries over a strong voice. 

_“Never.” _

Lucas sobs because he doesn’t know how to get himself out of this mess. His heart his broken and now his mind. Tricks being played and he feels fragile feels like he’ll bend to the pressure. Because he thought he knew normal. But his normal was forced. He has lost sight of himself so quickly. 

“Lucas I never stopped loving you.” 

Lucas only sobs louder and clenches his eyes closed. He’s wanted to hear this voice now for so long now, but he doesn’t believe that he is actually there, that it is alcohol induced mind displaying to the empty night_ just how broken _ he really is. 

He fights the hands that wrestle the bottle away from him. He shouts at empty air. 

“_You’re_ not _real_You’re not**real**. Eliott, you’re not really here.” 

He tries and fails to push away the arms that wrap around him, that cradles his damaged body and he shakes with his effort. Because he is weak. Body, mind, and heart. So weak. 

“I’m here. I’m here. I’m _so_ sorry. I’m here now. I’m not leaving.” Lucas thinks he should because how do they go back to that time not_ before_ and not _after_. How do they go back to that time where it was simply Eliott and Lucas and Lucas and Eliott. 

“I’m _here_. I’m never going to leave. I _never_ should have left. I never should have questioned what I felt for you.” 

I never. I never. I never. 

Lucas sobs into a chest and throws his arms around Eliott’s neck. He doesn’t care if this reality wasn’t reality. If he were to wake to find it all a dream. To find the moon had lied to him. He lets the words wash over him and thinks of how he lost who he was and even if Eliott was back in his life, even if things went back to normal, how was he to accept how who he had become. 

Lucas’ identity is nothing, as he has come to realize, without Eliott by his side. How is he to accept this? 

He doesn’t know. But there on that park bench, in the warm and familiar embrace that he has craved for the past five months Lucas calms his sobbing, hiccups and dries his eyes. He’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it. 

“_Baby_. Let’s get you home.” 

Lucas sniffles and opens his eyes and Looks up at Eliott. Whose silhouette is illuminated by the night sky. 

“Eliott.” He brings a shaky hand up to touch Eliott’s cheek, pulls away and rubs his fingers together and feels a wetness. “Eliott, love. Why are you crying?” 

That wasn’t normal at all. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where they met. 
> 
> Where they first kissed. 
> 
> Where he asked Lucas out. 
> 
> Their first date. 
> 
> Their last date. 
> 
> The break up. 
> 
> Where he found Lucas again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eliott POV
> 
> Hope this fixes things

Yann breaks walls in the time it takes for Eliott to drop off a thin and shivering Lucas at one in the morning. Yann yells at him to get out and Eliott stands strong refusing. Their voices harsh whispers doing their best to keep quiet so Lucas wouldn't wake. 

Eliott refuses and Yann stands nearly chest to chest with the other boy. Eliott meets the fury in Yann's eyes with his own determination and Yann is panting from the restraint he exerts. 

"You _don't_get to make that decision, Eliott." 

"I don't have to, Lucas wants me here, Yann." Eliott lifts his hands, palms facing the shorter of the two, trying but failing at placating him. He wants to calm the storm behind those brown eyes but he only manages to ignite it even more. 

Yann brings his hands up, pushing away at Eliott’s and planting them firmly on Eliott’s chest. He pushes once with no heat but Eliott sways just a bit. He does it a second time and Eliott steps back. 

“Lucas? Lucas making those decisions for you?” Eliott doesn’t expect it but Yann laughs and the sound is bitter as it rings in the dimly lit apartment. 

“Lucas who has been cutting off his friends. Wasting away for five months now. And might I add, a great_fucking_ decision he made wasn’t it?_ Starving_ himself.” 

The words are sharp and meant to bite and Eliott bleeds when Yann spits them at him. He winces and stumbles back again despite not being pushed. 

“We’re going to let _him_ make that decision. Right, of course you are. I don't fucking think so. Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage?” 

“I...I never meant to hurt him like that.” Eliott can’t explain to Yann now, he wouldn’t understand. He was not in a mindset to try to understand why Eliott had to leave. Why he broke up with Lucas in the first place. 

“You didn’t hurt him Eliott, this just about fucking killed him and I’m not letting you fucking stay around just to get back with him and then leave again. He won’t survive a second time.” 

Eliott wants to shout at him that he won’t. That he doesn’t plan on leaving him again. That he was here to stay. Permanently. 

"I'm not going to leave Yann." He won't do it. Not now. Not later.

Yann stares him down, anger lines pronounced. Maybe it was their years of friendship that stops Yann from forcing him out but Eliott doesn't question it. Doesn't want to push the other too far at this point. 

"Then stay as his friend. Nothing else. Not until he's ready."

Eliott nods. Because he can do that. 

"You had five months to explore and heal and learn things about yourself. Lucas had five months to find out he is nothing without you, he needs to learn that's not true."

Eliott nods again, against the tightness in his chest. 

This meant standing by and letting Lucas go as he pleased. If being with someone else meant healing then Eliott would support him. If healing without Eliott was necessary then Eliott would make that happen. He would leave. 

The process is slow. The next morning when Lucas wakes, Eliott is bustling around in Yann's kitchen. If the green shirt Lucas wears hangs dangerously low, exposing his pronounced collar, Eliott swallows but doesn't say anything. 

Yann is leaning against the fridge nursing a steaming cup of coffee eyes darting back and forth between the two of them. 

The greeting is stunted but when Eliott puts three plates of an unknown dish down on the table, Yann sighs and sits down. Lucas sits next to him. 

The air is awkward until Yann exclaims in disgust at what he puts into his mouth.

"Exactly what is this shit?"

Lucas snorts a laugh but he picks up the fork that was previously lying useless on the table. His first bite of the food is accompanied with a small smile and a breath of relief from both Yann and Eliott. 

It takes time. Eliott hangs around more often than not. After the first week, Eliott tells Lucas simply,

"Not strangers, right?" To which Lucas nods but adds nothing to the conversation. 

The healing starts with a couple meals and more laughter. Arthur comes around, eyes weary of the company, Basile bounds in uncaring because he's simply happy to see a different light in Lucas eyes, different from darkened. Eliott knows they're making head way, when one night Eliott goes to visit Lucas who is temporarily staying with Yann. He stumbles upon the scene of Lucas sobbing to Yann apologizing, witnessing it through the crack of a door. 

Lucas' small frame shaking like a cold wind had blown through. 

"It was never about how I looked or didn't look. I'm not even sure it was about control anymore." Because he had lost control so impossibly. He simply stopped caring. Stopped until he was forced to start again. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, all of you. You, all of you, are so important to me.” 

Eliott watches as Yann hugs Lucas, buries his face in the smaller boys neck and rocks the both of them back and forth from their seated position on the floor. Lucas is small enough to fold under the force of Yann’s arms but the black boy is gentle with his touch. Soothing. Healing. Eliott catches Yann’s eyes and there is an understanding that passes between the two, old friends. 

Eliott steps back and retraces his steps from the way he came. He figured he would visit a different day. 

And there is a shift. A shift that allows Eliott to breathe easy. Lucas jokes around with him a spark that had gone missing returning to everyone’s delight. 

He snorts when he laughs and wipes at tears when he can’t control the happiness. He doesn’t avoid bumping into Eliott, doing things that friends do. But he never crosses that line that the both of them drew. 

When they watch movies, there’s most often Manon or Yann or Imane acting as a buffer. Sitting between the two of them like a wall of flesh. Until they get to a point when the buffer isn’t needed and Eliott is comfortable sitting and feeling the warmth seeping from the shorter boy and Lucas doesn’t flinch away from their closeness. And the air around them is casual. Like friendship was a normal once again. Back to the base line. 

And while Eliott breathes easy he feels that each time his lungs expand the space for his heart shrinks. Because not strangers did not mean lovers. It simply meant interacting. Being in a constant space with the person that he irrevocably changed his relationship with. 

If ever regrets run lives, Eliott feels like he has one running his at the moment. No, he couldn't say that. Not running but weighing on him. 

What runs his actions are his feelings. His plethora of feelings that he finds hard to categorize and manage. And regret sits next to his box of feelings like the monster he can't run from. But not run...never run because he's done that once already and that's how he got himself in this mess in the first place. 

So Eliott resolves to not be a stranger. He doesn't want to fail Lucas a second time and wishes to be there for him as he heals. 

And healing comes in the form of a party with drinking friends dancing in too small of a space. Drinking and smoking and living in a haze that fills the air. Healing was when Eliott chose to sit on the couch next to Imane smiling because he was feeling happy. He smokes lightly, small puffs not held deep so he doesn't get high right away. 

But healing comes knocking as Lucas, in all his gangly limbs that have gained back a lot of their meat and strength, stumbles towards them with panic in his eyes. 

"He wants my number and asked me if I was free this weekend?" 

Lucas runs a hand through his hair and Eliott watches as the strands fall back into place. He hasn't forgotten what it feels like, to have those silky strands be intimate with his fingers, to be in such close contact. He hasn't forgotten but he sure does miss. 

"What should I do? Should I say no?yes? _Help_"

Eliott chuckles and he wonders why Lucas didn't seek out Yann. But he thinks. This was a remnant of their 5 years spent together, where Lucas might be feeling bad about moving on. And Eliott's heart soars. Soars high above their smokey living room clouds and says,

"Say yes. And suggest where you want to go so it's not a one way thing." 

He crashes himself willingly. 

He feels those baby blue eyes, color popping against a white v neck shirt, searching out something on his face. And Eliott hopes that all Lucas finds is happiness, acceptance, and love. 

There's a sigh of relief and those eyes close slowly and his shoulders relax and Eliott wants to beg Lucas to open those eyes again. He refrains. 

"Okay, that sounds good." And before he leaves Lucas lunges forward and hugs Eliott and Eliott sits there with what he feels like, is a slap of surprise written into the lines of his face. Quick as it was the warmth is gone and Lucas pulls back only to disappear into the crowd. 

Eliott wants to cry but he smiles instead. 

"Why did you break up with him if you still love him?" 

Eliott turns and faces Imane, who doesn't judge and doesn't have anger presupposed when talking to him, like most of their friends do now. There is simple curiosity. Eliott searches Lucas out and finds him against the wall talking to a taller blonde with a kind face all sharp angles and happy lines and he relaxes. He sits back and thinks about how he should answer his friend. 

But how does he spell out the disaster that was his thinking. How does he explain that they were young when they got together and Eliott wasn't sure that he was where he wanted to be.

Because when they first got together there was Eliott and Lucas as separate people who loved each other for simply being who they were. At the beginning there was simple bliss. When their normal turned into a slide and Eliott couldn't distinguish where he started and where Lucas ended he was scared. 

He was scared of _EliottandLucas_. When their actions were no different from the other and they melded not unlike an extension of one another.

There wasn't that separate. They lost who they were in a relationship that became an unhealthy jumble of the both of them. Where they stayed in and didn't see their friends. Didn't go out. Didn't do anything for themselves. They lived that constantly and contentedly. They settled for that at such a young age. 

Eliott regrets doubting what he had for Lucas was love. Because he did love Lucas. But he didn't love what they'd become. But instead of talking about it he ran. He tried to search for his own identity again, at 23 he felt more lost than found. 

He wanted that for Lucas too. To know and find out who he was without the constant that was Eliott. Eliott didn't think he would have been so utterly destroyed by that rash decision. But how could anyone understand. They didn't live his relationship. They didn't experience that slip and mold that he experienced. 

He turns back to Imane and smiles. "I can love and fuck up, can't I? I'm not perfect, Imane."

"Yeah, but fucking up doesn't always ruin a person so badly like it did Lucas." _The way you did. The way you did it to **him**_. Her words sit like an uncomfortable friend between the two of them. And Eliott wants to confront it. 

Because Eliott thinks in some sick way, Lucas needed to break in order to heal from what they had. He wishes that Lucas never harmed himself the way he did, wishes he could take everything back simply for that reason but looking at those vibrant eyes light up now, that wide smile that beams, Eliott knows he made the right choice for Lucas. 

"We love each other, Imane. But what we had was not healthy. We were way too dependent on each other. Never did anything without the other. Lucas had no independence and I didn't force it on him but that shouldn't be a choice he makes." 

Doing things they didn't like to please the other. Saying no if the other said no, saying yes if they said yes. It was a hole they dug and couldn't get out of. 

Eliott wants to say, _"look at him now." _

22 and looking for a relationship, talking with confidence, happy laughter filling the air, discovering something new like he should be doing at 22. 

"I...we didn't realize." Imane stutters and her brows dive, eyes narrowed as she mentally flips through her memory book to see the signs in her friends in the past five years. 

"It's okay, we didn't either." 

Their conversation ends just as Lucas stumbles back over excitement buzzing around him like chirping fireflies. 

"I told him I wanted to go to a coffee shop but I told him to surprise me with where. He's going to pick me up tomorrow."

Eliott nods, he doesn't want to remind Lucas that they had plans for lunch because they could always reschedule. 

"What's his name?" And the question jumpstarts an entire conversation about another boy named _Gabriel_ with pretty green eyes and a cute smile. And Eliott never stops engaging in the conversation. He drags Imane into it as well, tells her to help Lucas choose an outfit for his first date. To which she kindly tells him to fuck off but starts talking about that maroon sweater he owns. How it brings out his eyes. Eliott knows it well and feels the swell of jealousy but he quickly squashed it. 

Gabriel lasts a month before Lucas breaks it off with him. Eliott and the boys hold an impromptu pizza and beer party where they console Lucas who swears he doesn't need consoling as he stuffs a slice of pizza in his mouth. 

"He was way too clingy. And the sex was awful." 

Eliott flinches in the kitchen when he hears that. He feels the conflict of feeling of satisfaction and anger all at once. Because he might have spent three months in a relation with a sweet boy but he never had sex with him. Couldn't bring himself to do it. They fooled around but something stopped the both of them each time things got heated. 

He makes his way to the living room carrying his beer and pizza on a paper plate. He speaks through a mouthful of cheese. 

"I mean, did you tell him what you liked? You were always vocal with me?"

Lucas blushes deeply, a crimson splash that lights up his cheeks. They've gotten to a point where talking about their relationship didn't feel taboo. 

Eliott has to sit near Basile, across the room from Lucas so he doesn't kiss him silly. 

"N-not exactly."

"Well you gotta tell em how it is Lulu. Like when the girls tell me how to make it good for them…"

"Right. What girls?"

Arthur's comment is cutting and Basile lunges at the blonde who jumps up and allows Basile to chase him around the room. 

"You guys are something else." Yann shakes his head at their antics. 

"But Basile is right," Eliott says and Yann nods  
"You need to be forward otherwise it's just going to always suck."

"It's just...he wasn't yo--" Lucas shakes his head. "Nevermind, anyways. I'm full." Yann asks him to eat the whole slice and another half of one. Lucas is reluctant but Eliott offers up his half eaten slice and Lucas takes it. Eliott really wants to ask what he was going to say but he pulls on that reserve of patience and indifference he has stored away and uses it in the moment. 

"...fine."

They're night goes into the quiet hours of the early mornings and the night bleeds into the day.

The days turn into weeks and Gabriel turns into a lack of Gabriel, which turns into a Damian who lasted for only two weeks. Currently Lucas is going strong with Leo, who is tall and handsome like a model. He is gentle and funny and hangs around with the gang. 

Eliott remembers as he wing manned the shit out of Lucas that day when Lucas bumped into Leo at the coffee shop during their weekly Saturday outing for lunch. 

He blushed and stammers his way through an apology and it's Eliott who ends up writing Lucas' number on the other boys styrofoam cup while Lucas is using the bathroom.

Eliott bites his tongue and watches as Lucas' affection for the other grows and he spends more and more time with him. He wants to scream and go back to that unhealthy normal they had on his best days. And days where he feels like he can't be the supportive friend that he promised to be Eliott hides in his bed and recollects himself. Puts himself together and looks at the regret that sits next to his box of feelings and re-framed his thinking. 

Not running, just weighing him down he tells himself. He's doing what's best for Lucas but not what's best for him. For now he tells himself. 

When Lucas is back one hundred percent then he'll focus on himself. So he bites the bullet and hangs out with Leo and he finds it hard to dislike the other. He is quirky and kind to a fault and Eliott is reminded of himself when they talk. And he's glad that Lucas has someone like him to care for him. 

So when Leo breaks it off with Lucas in their fourth month, Lucas isn't exactly a mess but he gets quiet. With the boys all working except Eliott, he stops by Lucas' apartment bearing the gift of alcohol and Lucas readily let's him in. 

Eliott orders greasy Chinese food to accompany their beers. He does his best to make the other laugh with well aimed jokes and stupid conversations. It's hours into the night before Eliott broaches the subject and asks,

"What happened?"

And Lucas grows quiet. Plays with his lo mein before putting down the container. He seems nervous and Eliott doesn't push him. Eliott gives Lucas time, time, and more time. 

Because that's all Eliott has to offer without being selfish. 

"He thought I liked someone else. That I was invested in them and we couldn't move our relationship forward. I just...I" 

Eliott isn't stupid and he's not naive. 

"Is it me?" 

He asks this casually, puts down his container of food like he puts down his heart every time he is in Lucas's company. Easily. 

Lucas blushes fiercely and meets his eyes, his lips part gently before he nods the slightest. 

"Y-yes but its o--"

"I'm still in love with you." Eliott damns his mouth but for once he doesn't feel that overbearing weight of regret for his actions. He watches as those baby blues widen and he feels the need to place some distance between him and Lucas but can't bring himself to move. 

"I don't expect anything. I don’t.” He didn’t really expect to say what he did over this meal or ever for that matter. But he needs Lucas to understand that he doesn’t expect Lucas to fall back into his arms. To go back to what feels like years ago. Back to that normal. To the first years of their relationship. 

Lucas looks down and it’s quiet between the two of them for a while. Eliott starts to play with his food and Lucas plays with the tassels of the small throw blanket he has covering his lap. Eliott knows he is thinking but he wonders if he has, once again, ruined things so thoroughly. The seeds of doubt sow themselves in the pit of his stomach and with each passing minute he feels them growing like vines, puncturing him from the inside out. 

“Lucas, I…”

“I’m scared that I still love you.” 

And Eliott knows that wasn’t going to be easily fixed. It breaks him so completely knowing this is what he has reduced Lucas to. 

“I’m scared to love you but I do.”

“That’s okay. Nothing has to change between us. It can stay as it is Lucas. I’m going to be here as your friend and if you’re ever ready, I’ll be here as anything you need me to be.” 

“What if I’m never ready?”

Eliott smiles, his lips curving and moving like waves, a calm ocean of dusty rose. “I’m never leaving, Lucas. Unless you ask it of me.” And like that Eliott thinks they’ve made some headway, taken a step in the right direction. 

“I need some time to think about this.” Reality crashes down and Eliott keeps the smile on his face. He nods, and packs up the food leaving it in the fridge at Lucas’ place. He cleans up and lingers at the door to the apartment. He wants to call out, turns and sees Lucas sitting there, in the same position staring at him. But he doesn’t. He lifts a hand and waves before exiting. 

He hopes its not another mistake on his part. But he waits for Lucas to reach out and his days pass by in a hazy. He plays out his days moving through a fog that blinds him. Waiting. Nervous. He doesn’t not see Lucas. As a matter of fact, what kills him is that he does see him. He sees him when the boys are around, when the girls come to hang. He never sees him alone. To Eliott, these meetings feel like he is catching glimpses of the other boy and never offered anything concrete. He feels his heart beat a little faster each time he thinks he catches Lucas staring or watching him. But nothing comes from it. They don’t have a heart to heart, they barely have one on one conversations. Eliott knows that if he never said anything, he would still have his Saturday lunch dates with the boy. But he sticks by what he said to Lucas. He was there to stay. However Lucas wanted him. As a friend of a lover. With no expectations for his feelings to be returned. 

So when a little over a month passes and Lucas texts, asks him to meet at that bench in that park, Eliott approaches it with apprehension. He is early but he sits and revisits every major memory that has happened on this bench.

Where they met. 

Where they first kissed. 

Where he asked Lucas out. 

Their first date. 

Their last date. 

The break up. 

Where he found Lucas again.

He wonders what would happen on this day. He sits with both legs extended the same as he always does and digs his fingers deep into the pockets of his jacket. He counts the minutes and watches as children play as he waits. When he feels the shift, the weight and rustling of clothing he turns and greets Lucas whose cheeks are flushed and pupils blown wide with adrenaline. 

“Sorry, am I late?”

“Never.” He recalls saying that too, here at this bench. Eliott isn’t sure if he wants to have this conversation here. He starts to feel his nerves begin to unwind but he holds himself steady. He waits for Lucas to start. Eliott thinks he’s done a lot of waiting and he’s still okay with that. 

“Why did you leave the way you did?” 

Eliott wasn’t expecting the question but he answers it anyways. He tells Lucas the same thing he tells Imane. He details it, breaks it down, _reminds_ Lucas of everything that was wrong with them. And he watches as Lucas’ sits like a statue looking out at the park and not at him. They sit in silence for hours afterwards, neither wanting to move and neither knowing what to say. By the time Eliott finds it in him to speak again, in hopes of getting Lucas to respond, the sun was setting and the sky was colored with warm reds and purples and the park was clearing. 

“Lucas, what we became wasn’t good. We loved each other but it wasn’t healthy.” 

“What makes you think it’ll be different? This time?” 

This time. Maybe things would look up. 

"This time... we talk. This time there's Lucas and there's Eliott and this time I don't run away." Lucas brings his knees up to rest his cheeks, his small form curled protectively. He’s staring directly at Eliott and Eliott doesn’t shy away. When he nods his hair bounces with the movement and Eliott looks down between the two of them. He takes his hand out of his pockets and twines their fingers together to create an image of perfection. One he’s been chasing without realizing he had all along. 

He has another moment to mark the bench in his memory. 

The make up. This time he won’t mess things up. Not with this second chance. This time things will be taken slow, things will be different, and they'll work to build a new normal. One that wasn't so broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Boy Gabriel made a surprise visit. Hope you enjoyed. Please leave a comment. I feel like my transitions were shit?? I dunno. Did I do a good job at explaining what the hell went wrong with their relationship?? Comment and let me know. Thanks. Also this is unedited sorry for any grammatical mistakes and the such

**Author's Note:**

> I do so love me some comments. I don't know how to fix this thing that I did. How do I make their relationship better after I ruined Lucas so badly... Oh god.


End file.
